I give up.

Last post...

...He told me that when he tells people about me and my issues, they all say to dump me. Is that true even for his family? Because I really felt like they were the family I never had, I really hope not. I hope it's not true and that he just said it out of anger...

He told me last year that we were going to get engaged this year. Is all of this why he decided that it wasn't going to happen in February?

I'm so lost. I'm using my blog like a crutch, I'm sorry for making all of this so public....

It's been 11 hours and Corey still hasn't called me, nothing. No communication, no apologies... 

What if it's really over? Just two days ago, he was telling me that he was going to change, to be there for me... I'm here in a hotel room and I don't even know if he knows where I am... I don't know where he is. He says he needs time to cool off, but I didn't do anything wrong...

I don't want to get hurt anymore, I just want to be loved...

Bah, for like the 8th day in a row, I can't sleep.

Liz and Jess W. came to my hotel room tonight bearing Ben and Jerrys, they were so sweet to keep me company. All three of us fit quite comfortably in the super huge king size bed! Filomena said she wants to stay over tomorrow night... I have such good friends <3

So quick run through of what happened:

- Upset at my dad for announcing he would not be helping me with a car (on top of never helping me with school (like he promised)) and spending $1200 a month on bars and alcohol, I flipped out at him and told him what  I really thought of him. He told me to get out of the house, so I did. Upset and crying, Corey comes to pick me and I had been there till today. My dad told me on the 18th that when I'm ready to talk that I can call him, but I'm too angry and hurt to do so. Oh and my dad doesn't support the idea of me going to school full-time either. Said I should have kept myself miserable going part time nights where it would have taken me 10 years to get a bachelors.

- FAFSA updated itself: my EFC (expected financial contribution) is $33,500. Since UML is $15K a year, that means I'm screwed, I've been having meetings with Financial Aid. Since my dad made about $150k last year and I made $4200, I'm going to try to see if they UML can make it so they only use my income... that way I can get better loans, get grants, and get housing.

- I visited my grandma on Saturday - that was a disaster. She thought Corey was my sugar daddy, and pays for my school, that I'm my sister and thought I was emancipated, and that my dad doesn't have any money when his mortgage, truck, and motorcycle are all paid off. Oh and that Corey is responsible for me, not my father.  She said she'd think about giving me the $5k loan I asked for, so that I can get a car.

- I have amazing friends who have been there for me, offered their support, their love, and their ears. My sister has offered to give me $500, Keri is allowing me to use her car to get my license, Garrette is giving me $250... All the MB girls have been AMAZING to me and I love them dearly for it... I really am so grateful for them <3>

- Corey hasn't been able to handle what's going on and I don't understand why. Whenever I talk about the situation, he gets upset that these people are treating me awfully, and he responds by taking it out on me. He's been really depressed, and all of this is killing him. I try to be sympathetic, but since it's actually affecting and hurting me and depressing me more, I can't be there for him when he's completely failing at being there for me. I think he wants out, his mom told me he's so obsessed with my problems that he can barely work...

- Me? I'm a mess. I skip every class I can, I can barely function. I haven't been sleeping. I'm behind on homework. Severely depressed, and feeling extremely betrayed. I feel lost and scared, because I'm losing everything at once. I cry everytime I think about the fact I have to find my kitty Spike a new home, and that I might never be able to see her again... I have to give up my degu, I have to sell a bunch of my stuff... I have to figure out how I'm going to get my license ASAP, where I'm going to live for the summer, the fall... Finances... if it all doesn't work out, I can't go to school anymore. I cry all the time...

All I ever wanted was a family. All I ever wanted was to make something of myself. I saw how much my parents struggled without a degree... I feel so betrayed... I have always been extremely independent, always took care of everything myself (with sometimes awful results). I've never had an actual parent who wanted what was best for me, who wanted me to be the best person I can, just to stifle me. 

When I was 16, my dad told me not to expect him to help with my schooling because he didn't have the money. When I quit Bruker at 20/21, he told me he would give me a minimum of $200 a month to help me out with school. Didn't happen.  Then his dad died, he got a huge inheritance, paid off his mortgage, paid off the $3k left on the truck, bought a motorcycle. I even told him, I'd be screwed with his income on the FAFSA, all he said was "sucks to be you".  I didn't understand - he had all this play money now, how could he not want to help his daughter? 

Turns out, that his mother and him agree - that he doesn't owe me anything, that he shouldn't help. That he doesn't have the money... Grandma gave Katie, my cousin, everything. Paid for her school, her cars, clothes... Kept giving Katie everything even after she kept stealing and manipulating Grandma. Grandma is buying her son a house, my Uncle John. This is the same Uncle John that was living at my Grandfather's house for free - all he had to do was pay the bills and he couldn't afford it. She's giving him $75000 to buy a house in way way way up in NH, and thinks he's somehow going to afford all of the bills and a $4k tax bill. 

But me? All I want is to go to school full-time and graduate and make something of myself. And it's too much to ask. All I'm asking for is a car, so I can make more money so I can go to school. And my dad and grandma think it's too much to ask.

Corey and I are falling apart because of this... It's destroying me that I'm losing the love of my life, the person I thought I was going to marry, because he can't handle how broken my family is. And in turn, he blames this all on me. If we break up, I don't know where I'd live for the summer. I'm so scared, so lost, so confused. We worked out so many issues, lately all of our biggest fights have been because of my dad, my family and how they screw me over. And how he fails to be there for me because of it.

I wish all of you could know how much I hurt inside right now. All of my life, I have been fucked over, been screwed over... Always tried to come out stronger for it, never wanted to ask for help. Now I'm asking for help, and I'm denied. Because according to my dad, this is being an adult.

I don't know what to do. I'm losing everything at once... but at least I still have my friends.

Corey told me I don't plan enough... He also told me I should have planned for my dad to kick me out. Should I have planned on Corey going psycho on me too? Why do I trust people anymore? The people I love and adore most only seem to hurt me... I have a plan for everything, or at least I thought so... but I never saw ANY of this coming. 

If I get denied by UML and my grandmother... there is still hope. Thol, Keri's fiance, is looking for $600-1500 cars for me. With the FAFSA, I have one other chance: my mother. If I can get her W-2 information and her social, I can get financial aid because I can amend the application with her information instead of my dad's. If that doesn't work, then I have no hope and that scares me to death.

Corey today screamed at me on the phone that I was going to get denied from UML and my grandma. Doesn't anyone ever have any faith in me anymore?

What did I do to deserve any of this? All I wanted was to go to school :-(

So these past two weeks have probably been the worst two of my life. I'm sure I'll have much more to tell you once I wrap my head around exactly what happened today. Because believe it or not, it CAN get worse!

I had no idea and now my head wants to explode.

Time to get some rest - I haven't really slept in a week.