I give up.

Last post...

...He told me that when he tells people about me and my issues, they all say to dump me. Is that true even for his family? Because I really felt like they were the family I never had, I really hope not. I hope it's not true and that he just said it out of anger...

He told me last year that we were going to get engaged this year. Is all of this why he decided that it wasn't going to happen in February?

I'm so lost. I'm using my blog like a crutch, I'm sorry for making all of this so public....

It's been 11 hours and Corey still hasn't called me, nothing. No communication, no apologies... 

What if it's really over? Just two days ago, he was telling me that he was going to change, to be there for me... I'm here in a hotel room and I don't even know if he knows where I am... I don't know where he is. He says he needs time to cool off, but I didn't do anything wrong...

I don't want to get hurt anymore, I just want to be loved...

Bah, for like the 8th day in a row, I can't sleep.

Liz and Jess W. came to my hotel room tonight bearing Ben and Jerrys, they were so sweet to keep me company. All three of us fit quite comfortably in the super huge king size bed! Filomena said she wants to stay over tomorrow night... I have such good friends <3

So quick run through of what happened:

- Upset at my dad for announcing he would not be helping me with a car (on top of never helping me with school (like he promised)) and spending $1200 a month on bars and alcohol, I flipped out at him and told him what  I really thought of him. He told me to get out of the house, so I did. Upset and crying, Corey comes to pick me and I had been there till today. My dad told me on the 18th that when I'm ready to talk that I can call him, but I'm too angry and hurt to do so. Oh and my dad doesn't support the idea of me going to school full-time either. Said I should have kept myself miserable going part time nights where it would have taken me 10 years to get a bachelors.

- FAFSA updated itself: my EFC (expected financial contribution) is $33,500. Since UML is $15K a year, that means I'm screwed, I've been having meetings with Financial Aid. Since my dad made about $150k last year and I made $4200, I'm going to try to see if they UML can make it so they only use my income... that way I can get better loans, get grants, and get housing.

- I visited my grandma on Saturday - that was a disaster. She thought Corey was my sugar daddy, and pays for my school, that I'm my sister and thought I was emancipated, and that my dad doesn't have any money when his mortgage, truck, and motorcycle are all paid off. Oh and that Corey is responsible for me, not my father.  She said she'd think about giving me the $5k loan I asked for, so that I can get a car.

- I have amazing friends who have been there for me, offered their support, their love, and their ears. My sister has offered to give me $500, Keri is allowing me to use her car to get my license, Garrette is giving me $250... All the MB girls have been AMAZING to me and I love them dearly for it... I really am so grateful for them <3>

- Corey hasn't been able to handle what's going on and I don't understand why. Whenever I talk about the situation, he gets upset that these people are treating me awfully, and he responds by taking it out on me. He's been really depressed, and all of this is killing him. I try to be sympathetic, but since it's actually affecting and hurting me and depressing me more, I can't be there for him when he's completely failing at being there for me. I think he wants out, his mom told me he's so obsessed with my problems that he can barely work...

- Me? I'm a mess. I skip every class I can, I can barely function. I haven't been sleeping. I'm behind on homework. Severely depressed, and feeling extremely betrayed. I feel lost and scared, because I'm losing everything at once. I cry everytime I think about the fact I have to find my kitty Spike a new home, and that I might never be able to see her again... I have to give up my degu, I have to sell a bunch of my stuff... I have to figure out how I'm going to get my license ASAP, where I'm going to live for the summer, the fall... Finances... if it all doesn't work out, I can't go to school anymore. I cry all the time...

All I ever wanted was a family. All I ever wanted was to make something of myself. I saw how much my parents struggled without a degree... I feel so betrayed... I have always been extremely independent, always took care of everything myself (with sometimes awful results). I've never had an actual parent who wanted what was best for me, who wanted me to be the best person I can, just to stifle me. 

When I was 16, my dad told me not to expect him to help with my schooling because he didn't have the money. When I quit Bruker at 20/21, he told me he would give me a minimum of $200 a month to help me out with school. Didn't happen.  Then his dad died, he got a huge inheritance, paid off his mortgage, paid off the $3k left on the truck, bought a motorcycle. I even told him, I'd be screwed with his income on the FAFSA, all he said was "sucks to be you".  I didn't understand - he had all this play money now, how could he not want to help his daughter? 

Turns out, that his mother and him agree - that he doesn't owe me anything, that he shouldn't help. That he doesn't have the money... Grandma gave Katie, my cousin, everything. Paid for her school, her cars, clothes... Kept giving Katie everything even after she kept stealing and manipulating Grandma. Grandma is buying her son a house, my Uncle John. This is the same Uncle John that was living at my Grandfather's house for free - all he had to do was pay the bills and he couldn't afford it. She's giving him $75000 to buy a house in way way way up in NH, and thinks he's somehow going to afford all of the bills and a $4k tax bill. 

But me? All I want is to go to school full-time and graduate and make something of myself. And it's too much to ask. All I'm asking for is a car, so I can make more money so I can go to school. And my dad and grandma think it's too much to ask.

Corey and I are falling apart because of this... It's destroying me that I'm losing the love of my life, the person I thought I was going to marry, because he can't handle how broken my family is. And in turn, he blames this all on me. If we break up, I don't know where I'd live for the summer. I'm so scared, so lost, so confused. We worked out so many issues, lately all of our biggest fights have been because of my dad, my family and how they screw me over. And how he fails to be there for me because of it.

I wish all of you could know how much I hurt inside right now. All of my life, I have been fucked over, been screwed over... Always tried to come out stronger for it, never wanted to ask for help. Now I'm asking for help, and I'm denied. Because according to my dad, this is being an adult.

I don't know what to do. I'm losing everything at once... but at least I still have my friends.

Corey told me I don't plan enough... He also told me I should have planned for my dad to kick me out. Should I have planned on Corey going psycho on me too? Why do I trust people anymore? The people I love and adore most only seem to hurt me... I have a plan for everything, or at least I thought so... but I never saw ANY of this coming. 

If I get denied by UML and my grandmother... there is still hope. Thol, Keri's fiance, is looking for $600-1500 cars for me. With the FAFSA, I have one other chance: my mother. If I can get her W-2 information and her social, I can get financial aid because I can amend the application with her information instead of my dad's. If that doesn't work, then I have no hope and that scares me to death.

Corey today screamed at me on the phone that I was going to get denied from UML and my grandma. Doesn't anyone ever have any faith in me anymore?

What did I do to deserve any of this? All I wanted was to go to school :-(

So these past two weeks have probably been the worst two of my life. I'm sure I'll have much more to tell you once I wrap my head around exactly what happened today. Because believe it or not, it CAN get worse!

I had no idea and now my head wants to explode.

Time to get some rest - I haven't really slept in a week.

Easter, gym, car goodness

Sooooo I decided I'm going to make an effort and keep up with this blog again instead of letting it all pile up and me trying to avoid posting. I like keeping people updated and I like having a blog, because it's a nice way to see how I've changed over the years...

So like I said in my last post, Keri and I have been going to the gym a lot and since I'm a high energy person, I LOVE being at the gym. To keep myself motivated, I try and take pictures of each elliptical session I do, and at this point I'm up to an hour:

4/7 - 62 minutes on the elliptical, 6.25 miles, 638 calories

4/9 - 623 calories burned that day on the elliptical

4/13 - 65 minutes, 702 calories, 100 situps, 60 40lbs on triceps, 36 40lbs on biceps, then some leg presses

4/14 - 65 minutes, 725 calories, 50 crunches with 50 lbs, 200 crunches with 40 lbs, then some leg exercises as well as the 50 minute walk to the gym

I've been going to the gym A LOT (on average 4-5 times a week at this point) and my hard work is paying off - even with Easter weekend (and eating Chinese food before running on 4/13) I lost 5 lbs in one week. Go me!

Speaking of Easter - pictures! :-D

Corey and I posing before our Easter brunch

Me posing in my pretty Easter dress - notice my cute new Coach purse... Did you know you can trade in your old ones for a new one for FREE? Now I do :-)

With our yummy Cobblestones omelettes

The whole gang - from left front: Bethany, Dave, Kathy, Corey, MEEEEEE

My favorite picture of all of us :-D

My dad said he had a nice Easter too - he hopped on his bike and went for a ride in the sunshine :-)

Ugh, I am SO sore from the gym. Today is my day off from the gym (thank goodness!) but tomorrow, Keri and I will be running like crazy as usual.

Oooh soooooo I know I say this a lot, but I have an actual deadline to get a car - the end of May. Why the end of May? Well, I told Keri I would babysit her son Sage (who I love so much) M-F 7am - 3:30 pm till the end of June and I need a car for that. I need a car to drive Corey down to his surprise birthday locale... And I have so many oppurtunities to make some extra cash when I have a car. Garrette mentioned he could get me a job where he works (at a breakfast place) on weekends as a waitress, as well as Corey's boss Steve wants me to babysit his twins a couple nights a week in the summertime or so. No car? No money.

I've been working hard on getting my license as soon as possible. It's just so frustrating, my dad isn't exactly as gung ho about it as I'd hoped he'd be... I don't have a lot of day time to practice, like on weekends I'm usually booked with work and plans, and he just seems upset at me and I don't know why. I really need his help to get a car, and I've been looking at a lot of Dodge Neon SXTs lately. You can find a really cute newer model (2004-2005) with low mileage (30k-45k) for under 7k. I can put $1000 down but I wouldn't be able to pay the monthly payments (about $150) and definitely not the insurance ($334 just to insure myself monthly).

So here is my plan before I bring it to my dad's attention, I can take any and all suggestions, ideas, etc:

I propose to my dad that he buys the car, under his name and pays for the insurance, and lists me as a driver on the Neon I want. It will cost him a lot, yes, but not as much as it would cost me. For him to add me to his insurance, it would be about $200 total to insure two cars and cover both of us. It would cost about $150 to pay for the car monthly, but I would pay for all gas, parts, and repairs. In return, I will continue paying for my school (I'm taking out about $15k in loans yearly) and every other month, I will pay for my interest on my school loans instead of him paying for the $50 monthly. 

It may sound like I'm making my dad foot the bill for a lot, but I think it turns out to be pretty fair. I'm in college. Since 2005, I have paid for my school himself, he has never ever paid my tuition. I buy my own books. I pay for all my own expenses, including groceries. He does give me money sometimes to help me out because I am struggling, but financially, I do 95% of it on my own. 

I need a car, and badly. Corey and I are fighting like crazy over me not having a car, it's holding me back from a lot of great oppurtunities, and I desperately want to be more independent. It's always bothered me I didn't have a car, but for many years I was too petrified to even learn to drive. Now I'm comfortable on the wheel, but I just have no clue to parallel park. I don't feel comfortable in my dad's Ford Escape, as in driving or testing (the wheel, it's very loose and too responsive, very hard for me to drive, especially on the highway) but I'm thinking of asking Keri to practice on her car and even possibly use it for my license test. I'm gonna talk to her about it tomorrow while we're gymming it up.

In other news, I saw Corey's dad last night and he gaves us our Easter baskets. Me being the fat kid I am, well, mine is already gone. Guess I'm working extra hard on Thursday :-P

Also, Memento - great movie. Messed with my head, eek.

Someday I will sleep by the way. It doesn't help that I go to bed at 2am and then get shaken awake by Corey at 4:30am with crazy eyes and mass confusion on what was going on. I asked him if he was okay, and he said yes - wanted to know if I was okay. I must have been tossing or turning or something, but oh man was I NOT happy to be woken up.

Okay off to class bye everyone :-D

Last post for the day promise

Haha to those who are subscribed to my blog, sorry for flooding you guys - I had a lot to catch up on, as you can see. I've been really busy and it's been really hard to take 7 classes and have any real time for myself. I've been tired and burnt out and I'm so glad I have 6 weeks left. 

Estimated grades so far:

Life Science: B

Lab: A

Financial Accounting: C

English: B

Marketing: B/B-

Macroeconomics: B (but I have an exam Wednesday, so that could change :-P)

Precalc: B+

I haven't lost any weight, but since Keri is getting married in August, I signed up at her gym and have been really good about going to the gym since. We both want to look amazing for her wedding, but it can be so tiring. I absolutely love going to the gym so it's worth it to me. 

Unfortunately, I will not be able to do the Walk For Hunger this year. Corey is going to San Francisco with a family friend to show him around, and he wanted me to come too so I don't miss out. We didn't realize we planned it for the same weekend as the WFH, so I'm pretty upset about it, but it's not really anyone's fault. It's hard for me to get motivated and continue to fundraise... I guess there's always next year.

Oooh about DC. So I was pretty upset Logan took away my body spray, but I nearly started crying when the airport in DC took away my water globe I bought for my dad. They saw how upset I was and let me keep it, but seriously, a PLASTIC WATERGLOBE?!? How is that a contraband? That is ridiculous...

I really hope I can make it to the gym today, I got called into work on my day off... I've been eating horribly because of stress. Ugh I can't wait for this semester to be over. Then I can have summer!

I keep looking for a new job because I hate mine. I love the people but Market Basket is an awful place. Can you believe I've been there a year? Ugh, I didn't want to be there more than 6 months, but in this recession, there are no jobs out there. So I'm stuck here, at 22 with 7 years of customer service experience making 8.25 an hour. UGHHHHH

KK time for class.

Maybe I'll post again soon lol

Lady Gaga

Kayla, Courtney and I went to Lady Gaga on March 30th and can I just mention how amazing she was? She's one of my favorite artists because she's crazy and I found out for myself what a great show she can put on. She sings and dances at the same time, refuses to lip sync, is not a fan of pants, wears hair bows... What a loon but I love love love her.

I had my first experience with General Admission and it wasn't my favorite, because we were packed like sardines and there was no room to dance, but I still had a blast. Here are the pictures. As always, click for big.

On the train to Boston

Goofy girls :-D

We waited in line for 2 hours outside in the cold and drizzly rain

Notice the guys in the background doing the claw :-D

Hahahah

At the time I was using Jergen's Natural Glow and look at my tan! I'm glowing!

Attractive

Tommy and Kayla

HAIRBOW

So this is a hairbow, made by Gaga herself. I would have worn it the entire time, but everyone kept touching it and it had to come out and then ruined it :-(

She dresses so crazy!

Her and her disco stick

Bubble piano and bubble dress!

Video glasses!

My favorite Gaga picture

Kayla and I waiting for the train home, tired and sweaty but happy :-D

Corey's DC Pictures

Corey has a far better camera and a far better eye so here are his pictures :-D

Jefferson Memorial

Lincoln!

I believe this is Robert E. Lee's house. I'm sure Corey will correct me :-D

Drinking my tea

AJ and I are MODELS

Corey has a 12x zoom and he gets amazing pictures

Sleepy on the metro 

AJ is too

PAPARAZZI

The metro was really cool, and the stations were awesome

Corey kept trying to sneak pictures of me, but for the most part I caught him :-P

Not this time!

His zoom is so good he can clearly get a picture of whats on top of the Capitol!

Hi guys

George Washington looks snazzy in purple

Amazing detail on the Capitol

National Air and Space Museum

AJ and Matt, my drinking buddies :-D

The beginning of the night, the last reasonable sober moment for me... I drank and inhuman amount of alcohol and I've never been so drunk in my life. I'm young and it was Spring Break oh well :-P

They even have buildings that look like Lowell's City Hall in Washington, DC

Guys I'm the president :-D