As I got older, my fantasizing about having a family didn't stop. From when I was 13, I would try my hardest to get in contact with my family, all to coldness, awkwardness, or lack of a connection. It didn't help with no matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to create a connection with my father's side of the family. I was very excited when my sister came back into my life, it was good to have family, but after a year, her drama and narcissism was too much too bear...
This has been a tough year for me, I dealt with more death than I have my entire life. My stepgrandfather passed away from Alzheimer's in January. My grandfather passed away in March, and my father and I were there when he died. My boyfriend's grandmother died from complications from Alzheimers in November. My friend's father died of cancer. I have never dealt well with death, and I took all of these really hard. Times like these have always made me more family oriented, and cling to the idea of family more.
Christmas symbolizes a lot to me, especially in the way of family. It's one of the times that make me the happiest, and I was excitedly counting down every day we got closer to the big day. I have been working hard on gifts for weeks, and I put a lot of thought and time into everyone.
This year though, no one seems to appreciate Christmas for what it is: a way to appreciate love and family. Sure, there are religious reasons for Christmas, but to people who don't follow that, it's about who you love. How come I feel like I'm the only person who sees Christmas that way anymore? Everyone is getting angry, frustrated, bitter and all at each other. I get hurt by all the negative emotions, and instead of people being there and supporting each other they yell and scream...
My dad doesn't get Christmas trees anymore. Corey hasn't gotten one, and I'm assuming he's not. I had to buy a little $10 one so I had something. I can't even put lights on it or ornaments. I haven't been able to bring myself to buy another ornament this year.
This is the first Christmas I have lost all my hope and joy for the holiday... This is the first time I'm dreading it. And it kills me. All because all I wanted was a joyful loving Christmas, and I find myself all alone. I even was told I'm looking in the wrong places, and this point, I don't know what to do.
Do I forfeit forever a holiday that means so much to me? It only gets worse each year...
5 comments:
Never Never NEVER give up your hope and love for Christmas! I too get so frustrated how people overlook the real point of Christmas. It's not about getting someone a better present, or even a present at all, but BEING present... in their lives, and their hearts, and their minds. And letting them be present in yours. I hate seeing everyone getting so angry and upset, and cutting people off... that's not the Christmas Spirit! But its people like you that restore my faith in humanity. We can bring the spirit to other people, somehow, and remind them what its all about. Just don't give up hope.
You and me Kristen, we can be the Christmas Spirit Brigade with our Santa Hats and Christmas lights :-P
<3
Sometimes, as we grow up, we have to accept that things change... they don't say the same. Doesn't mean it's bad... just changed and different. For people that have a lot of responsibility, it often means clearing out the cobwebs of "responsiblity" before you can enjoy Christmas. Family and Christmas is what you make of it, and what family you have. My mother's gone and you can't fix that. My grandfather's gone and I can't fix that either. I can't make Christmas like it was. I'm divorced and I don't have little kids to do the "Santa thing" for. So Christmas is changed. Challenges (like no power) have to be dealt with and there's nothing to be done about it. We might not LIKE the responsibilites that come with owning a home threatened by that, but you meet it. It passes. All passes and you go on. You find the things that make you happy TODAY and you hold onto them. Although our family's small, we still have one. Even if we don't always want the same things at the same time. I did't want to leave my house unattended and my animals alone. Corey doesn't want to go to the wedding with me nor spend the time going to Patrick's. YOU want an old fashioned Christmas but no one has time. But we're all still here. We're all plugging along. I have a paper to do and I'm getting to that... so I CAN clear some time to relax for Christmas. VACATION for me comes after work Christmas Eve and on... but ONLY if I get that paper done. Otherwise, I forfeit the day after. Responsibility... sux, but it's a part of life that sometimes gets in the way of Christmas. But we do what we can....
I'm not saying anything negative about what you need to do in your life, whether with school, or work, or house. I'm not saying anything about divorces or not. I feel like you think I'm speaking directly to you or that I'm trying to put you on the defensive, but I'm not. I don't care whether or not you left your house, your choices are your own and I'm not contesting that.
What I'm talking about is how Christmas today is no longer a time to appreciate and love the family you have, and I feel it's changed in that regard.
I'm not sure what you mean by an old fashioned Christmas, basically all that really upsets me is how angry people get at the ones they love specifically because of the holiday and the holiday stress. I've been guilty of it myself.
As families get more fragmented through divorce it becomes impossible to have "one big happy family". I know this, oh believe me do I know this, look at my family :-P. However, I feel that the "mini" families now don't appreciate each other like I personally feel they should, but I get jealous when people have that type of family in the first place you know?
I guess this isn't so much as about Christmas as it is family. Family is always a big thing for me, ever since I was little. Christmas is merely just a reminder of the family you have... My Aunt Nancy has a huge get together, which is nice, but afterwards, no one sees each other until July when the second gathering is.
I don't feel I'm being clear: I'm really thankful I can look at you and Bethany and Corey and Dave as family, and I honestly do. You guys are my family, I see you guys all the time and I love doing it. It's depressing for me (and nothing against you at all) that any chance of me having both a mother figure (you) and a father (my dad) at the same time is when I turned 18 years old, when I started dating Corey. I had to wait 16 years for this; my parents divorced when I was 2. I really look up to you, and I hope you know that.
My ideal Christmas is just to overall ban the idea of "holiday stress" and relive some of the childish fervor for Christmas you know? Countdown the days and get excited about the family you have... It's just not as common in this day and age in America.
But like you said, it's what you make of it.
On another note Corey called me about going to Patrick's, he seemed unsure about whether to stay that long, which I feel had something to do more with me in a way than anything else. I told him he should go for the 4 days because he never gets to see them, so to take advantage of it. So as far as I know he's going to Patrick's with you, but not the wedding. I'd get confirmation though :-p
I didn't feel your post was directed anywhere. I think I was just trying to sympathize, and say that the "way of the world" sux, and makes it miserable on everyone. And, we just have to take what we have and realize that that in itself is "ok" and not be wanting of what others have. It's never better... it just LOOKS better. Everone has issues. Everyone has problems. But in the end, family IS still there and they are with you. They just can't ALWAYS be right at your side. I don't know why it can't be. It's this country's way. And it sux. But, I'm not sure I'd give up what I have to live a simpler life. It's choices...
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